I saw this commercial on TV and I got really excited. Dan Marino looked so cool throwing the football and he really looked like he was in great physical shape. Nutrisystem makes all these meals for you and delivers them for $400 every 28 days. And, get this, the meals are healthy and if you eat their meals you'll lose weight and you don't need to go to the supermarket every 3 days. This is a No-Brainer!
Anyway, as you all know by now, I'm an impulsive idiot and I sign up for the program like a shot and I'm into it like a pig into shit. Like, I can't even sleep at night because I'm so excited!
Soon the stuff arrives and I'm good to go! I'm so excited that I have my first dinner meal at 3.00pm. I just couldn't wait for 7.00pm.It was pretty cool and the food was not bad. I thought it was edible enough as long as I was going to lose weight and it was healthy.
After a week or so, I realize that I'm not getting along so well with this program. I'm starting to eat my dinner for breakfast and I'm eating my lunch at midnight and all sorts of weird stuff like that, and I say to myself "WTF!You're such an Idiot!" (and this is strange because I know that I'm an idiot, so why would I tell myself that I'm an idiot?) . These are like TV dinners and they taste mediocre, at best. What a load of crock! I can make spaghetti bolognaise, ravioli with cheese, lasagna with meat sauce, cajun chicken with rice and all that stuff. I can make it for half the price and it'll taste fresh and exactly the way I like it.
So I hop into my car and I'm off to the supermarket and I buy a whole lot of fruit and vegetables, chicken and fish and I come home and cook myself this amazing meal - fresh and healthy with proteins and vitamins and nutrients and anti-oxidants. I sit down and while I'm chomping on my fresh, crispy salad I start flipping channels and I come across the Nutrisystem commercial and as I see Marino lobbing the football, I suddenly realize why he looks so lean and in such good shape - the guy's not wearing his shoulder pads and helmet!!
While he was on the program, he was probably hopping into his car every night and heading out to Don Shula's Steakhouse!
Anyway, one day while eating some fish, I come up with this brilliant idea (that's what happens when you eat fish which, we all know, is good for your brain).I come up with a business plan for a new diet called the "TLS Diet". I'm going to register the name so that no one else can copy the idea.
The TLS diet is going to be exactly like the Nutrisystem diet but entirely different.We will deliver meals to our customers and we will charge them $500 per month but, here's the brilliant part, we will guarantee that they will lose at least 15lbs every month that they are on the TLS diet. If they do not lose 15lbs or they are not satisfied with the program then we will reimburse them with 75% ($375) of the cost. My financial advisor, Rick (I met him in a pub), says that it is a rock solid business plan because if we have 1000 customers per month and if, in a worst case scenario, all of them claim the 75% reimbursement (which is possible) then we will still make $125,000 per month. Rick claims that the key to the business plan is to keep the cost of goods as low as possible. I don't think we will have a problem with that because our goal is to make people lose weight and the customers won't mind if the portions are small because the food will be pretty much inedible and thats why the Tastes Like Shit diet will be such a huge success!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Kale - the Super Veggie
A couple of years back, I read somewhere that Kale was the new super veggie. It was said to be good for preventing cancer and it was full of nutrients and all sorts of other stuff that I really don't understand. Anyway, I find this recipe for Kale and I decide to have a shot at it. Basically, you take the Kale leafs and spread them on a tray and sprinkle salt and other spices on it and bake it in the oven. If you've tasted Kale before you'll know that it's almost like cabbage but it's very rubbery and actually tastes like shit.But when baked in the manner that I described, it actually tastes pretty good. It's crispy and tasty and actually pretty edible. Anyway, I start eating a shitload of this stuff and I'm feeling really proud of myself because now I can classify myself as a health freak and I know that I'm preventing myself from getting cancer and stuff like that. So, I know that I'm ahead of the game and I'm like a trendsetter and I'm this cool bohemian. Most of you have never been there but, take it from me, it's a cool feeling to be a cool bohemian trendsetter! You just sort of stroll down the street passed the coffee shops whistling and oblivious to all around you and you feel those jealous eyes following your every move and the owners of those eyes are wishing that they can be a cool dude like you.
Anyway, as I said, I'm eating this baked kale everyday and I'm eating it like popcorn and that causes your stomach to behave (or misbehave) crazy. But I don't care because I'm cool and it tastes good and I feel good and I know that I'm acting in a responsible manner by being healthy.
After eating this kale for a month, I started getting a bit bored with the stuff and I wasn't feeling so cool anymore and my stomach was acting weird and I heard from someone smart that the salt (which is sodium...that's for my idiot followers....because all smart people know that salt is sodium) is not good for blood pressure. I also was a little confused because I realized that I would never know if it really was preventing me from getting cancer or not. Like, how would I know if the kale prevented me from getting cancer or if I wasn't going to get cancer anyway even without eating kale? Also, at the same time, I was eating a lot of blueberries because I read somewhere that blueberries had a lot of anti-oxidants and that was also good for preventing cancer. How would I ever know if it was the blueberries or the kale that was preventing my cancer?
So I stop eating kale and blueberries so that I won't have all this confusion in my mind.
Yesterday, lo and behold ( I'm not religious but I use biblical terms sometimes when I write articles), I'm reading this article and it explains that kale has a very coarse leaf and that it is very difficult to wash the insecticides off those leafs. And, get this, the blueberry, lo and behold, has a very absorbent skin and it is very difficult to wash the insecticides off the skin of blueberries!
The irony is that kale and blueberries may prevent you from getting cancer but the insecticides will get you in the end.
What is the moral of the story? You can always learn something from an idiot blogger!
Anyway, as I said, I'm eating this baked kale everyday and I'm eating it like popcorn and that causes your stomach to behave (or misbehave) crazy. But I don't care because I'm cool and it tastes good and I feel good and I know that I'm acting in a responsible manner by being healthy.
After eating this kale for a month, I started getting a bit bored with the stuff and I wasn't feeling so cool anymore and my stomach was acting weird and I heard from someone smart that the salt (which is sodium...that's for my idiot followers....because all smart people know that salt is sodium) is not good for blood pressure. I also was a little confused because I realized that I would never know if it really was preventing me from getting cancer or not. Like, how would I know if the kale prevented me from getting cancer or if I wasn't going to get cancer anyway even without eating kale? Also, at the same time, I was eating a lot of blueberries because I read somewhere that blueberries had a lot of anti-oxidants and that was also good for preventing cancer. How would I ever know if it was the blueberries or the kale that was preventing my cancer?
So I stop eating kale and blueberries so that I won't have all this confusion in my mind.
Yesterday, lo and behold ( I'm not religious but I use biblical terms sometimes when I write articles), I'm reading this article and it explains that kale has a very coarse leaf and that it is very difficult to wash the insecticides off those leafs. And, get this, the blueberry, lo and behold, has a very absorbent skin and it is very difficult to wash the insecticides off the skin of blueberries!
The irony is that kale and blueberries may prevent you from getting cancer but the insecticides will get you in the end.
What is the moral of the story? You can always learn something from an idiot blogger!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
It's the portions,stupid!
This week I was in Buffalo with my buddy Jeremy. When you're in Buffalo there are only two things to do. You can watch the Bills or you can eat Wings. The Bills weren't playing because it's still baseball season so we head out to Coles on Elmwood for some Wings.We get there and order beers and Jeremy then orders like 48 wings. I think to myself that 48 is a lot of wings for 2 idiots to consume in one sitting. Then, believe it or not, he asks me what I'm having!! I say " Yea right...you're joking me!". But get this....the guy was serious! Now, Jeremy is not a fat guy or obese or anything abnormal but I know he runs marathons and stupid stuff like that so he probably burns all the calories or maybe he's got good metabolism (I'm not sure what that is but I heard Jon Stewart use that word once and he's a smart guy). Anyway, I just order a burger and settle in to watch him obliterate the wings of 24 friggin' chickens! He actually finished 44 of them...he said the other 4 had too much sauce on them..or something stupid like that.
So, I see two problems here. Firstly, too many Americans eat ridiculously large portions. Secondly, too few Americans run marathons to burn off excess calories. Do you see where I'm going with this? You thought I was an idiot but I've been doing this blog for like a week now and some guys even think I'm already a bit of a "food guru" .
In reality, what happens when you go to a restaurant? You order a beer and a starter and then you're main course, right? So you get a Coors and a salad and some calamari and a couple of buns to start off. Now if you were starving when you arrived then you are no longer starving after your starters, right? So why the f*#k would you order a 20oz Sirloin instead of an 8oz Sirloin? Is it like a macho thing or what? ...and I haven't even mentioned the dessert yet!!
Now, when you order a sirloin steak, you don't order it because you want to puke or belch or fart. You order it because you like the taste. So in order to enjoy the sirloin all you need to do is order an 8oz, chew on it slowly and and savor the flavor (wow! that rhymes...maybe I can use that as some sort of catch phrase when I become a food guru). You don't need a 20z steak that you stuff down your throat without tasting it or chewing it properly. But we want to show that we are macho so we do it anyway ....and we belch and fart and puke and feel like shit...but we're macho!!
The portions we eat are just too big and that's why we're becoming an obese nation...get it??
If I was one of those Dentyne or Wrigley guys I would invent a chewing gum that tastes like sirloin steak. So, when you go to Morton's for a steak, all you need to do is order an 8 oz steak, savor the flavor while you're chewing on the steak, and then you just pop a piece of sirloin flavored Dentyne gum in your mouth and you chew away. You'll feel great...no puking, no belching, no farting and you'll control your weight and maintain a more balanced diet. You don't need that 20oz piece of meat!!
So (all together now),why are we becoming such an obese nation?
It's all in the portions, stupid!
So, I see two problems here. Firstly, too many Americans eat ridiculously large portions. Secondly, too few Americans run marathons to burn off excess calories. Do you see where I'm going with this? You thought I was an idiot but I've been doing this blog for like a week now and some guys even think I'm already a bit of a "food guru" .
In reality, what happens when you go to a restaurant? You order a beer and a starter and then you're main course, right? So you get a Coors and a salad and some calamari and a couple of buns to start off. Now if you were starving when you arrived then you are no longer starving after your starters, right? So why the f*#k would you order a 20oz Sirloin instead of an 8oz Sirloin? Is it like a macho thing or what? ...and I haven't even mentioned the dessert yet!!
Now, when you order a sirloin steak, you don't order it because you want to puke or belch or fart. You order it because you like the taste. So in order to enjoy the sirloin all you need to do is order an 8oz, chew on it slowly and and savor the flavor (wow! that rhymes...maybe I can use that as some sort of catch phrase when I become a food guru). You don't need a 20z steak that you stuff down your throat without tasting it or chewing it properly. But we want to show that we are macho so we do it anyway ....and we belch and fart and puke and feel like shit...but we're macho!!
The portions we eat are just too big and that's why we're becoming an obese nation...get it??
If I was one of those Dentyne or Wrigley guys I would invent a chewing gum that tastes like sirloin steak. So, when you go to Morton's for a steak, all you need to do is order an 8 oz steak, savor the flavor while you're chewing on the steak, and then you just pop a piece of sirloin flavored Dentyne gum in your mouth and you chew away. You'll feel great...no puking, no belching, no farting and you'll control your weight and maintain a more balanced diet. You don't need that 20oz piece of meat!!
So (all together now),why are we becoming such an obese nation?
It's all in the portions, stupid!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Losing Weight?
OK, so I'm loitering down Main St. and I see this cool cat approaching me. He looks like Steve McGillivray...but it isn't Steve McGillivray. Anyway, I just ignore the dude but as he approaches me he says "Hey Itsum! How ya doing?". I just look at him and I'm dumbfounded. It is Steve and I can't believe what I'm seeing. The guy's lost like a ton of weight. He used to be this fat ass dude weighing 250 lbs and now he's not an ounce more than 180 lbs!! I'm at a loss for words and all I can say to him is "WTF!!".
He starts babbling off to me about how much weight he's lost (like I can't see!) and how he went from a 44 waist to a 36 and he threw out all his clothes and he's got a whole new wardrobe and all that type of stuff. The guys just brimming with confidence and he's telling me about all these hot chics he meets at the gym and how many Mercedes Benz's he's sold (he's, apparently, now the the #2 salesman for Mercedes).
I just feel great as I'm listening to all his stories and I can't stop smiling and I just think to myself..."man, here's a guy who turned his life around!" So we say goodbye and decide we'll go for a drink sometime and I carry on walking down Main St. (now I'm walking...I'm not loitering anymore...I've got this spring in my step) and I think that maybe I should also lose a pound or two and maybe I should start hitting the gym every now and again.
I didn't hear from him after that day but I hear all these rumors about how cool he is and how he went on this diet and lost weight and how he's pulling all these hot chics and shit.... and I'm digging this.
About a year later, I'm walking up Main St. and, lo and behold, I see Steve approaching me and he says "How ya doing, Itsum?" and I just look at him and I say "WTF!!!". I knew right then that it was a mistake and I shouldn't have said "WTF!!!". I was shocked. The dude was enormous ..... he was like, at least, 300lbs and looked miserable and upset and I just couldn't get any words out of my mouth and before I could say anything he said - " Hey, good to see ya...I'll see ya around".
I just felt terrible for Steve.........so I just went into the Fox & Firkin and knocked back a cold one and I thought about how bad some of these diets are. You lose all that weight and then you put even more weight on and it just screws up your life. It's like a yo-yo...up and down or like someone who suffers from bi-polar depression...when he's up everything is cool and when he's down life is a bitch!
By the way, if anything like this happens to a female friend of yours, please take my advice and don't ever say "WTF" after she's been on a diet and then she puts on weight again. A lady is more sensitive to these weight issues than a man is and if you say "WTF" when you see her, she is likely to go home and commit sewerage (that's the term I use for committing suicide because when you commit suicide it's like the shit hitting the fan).
Women take these weight things very seriously...it's like a matter of life and death with them. So please be considerate!
Anyway, I'm not a nutritionist so I don't understand all these diets and how they work...but I sure think that they can be dangerous!!
He starts babbling off to me about how much weight he's lost (like I can't see!) and how he went from a 44 waist to a 36 and he threw out all his clothes and he's got a whole new wardrobe and all that type of stuff. The guys just brimming with confidence and he's telling me about all these hot chics he meets at the gym and how many Mercedes Benz's he's sold (he's, apparently, now the the #2 salesman for Mercedes).
I just feel great as I'm listening to all his stories and I can't stop smiling and I just think to myself..."man, here's a guy who turned his life around!" So we say goodbye and decide we'll go for a drink sometime and I carry on walking down Main St. (now I'm walking...I'm not loitering anymore...I've got this spring in my step) and I think that maybe I should also lose a pound or two and maybe I should start hitting the gym every now and again.
I didn't hear from him after that day but I hear all these rumors about how cool he is and how he went on this diet and lost weight and how he's pulling all these hot chics and shit.... and I'm digging this.
About a year later, I'm walking up Main St. and, lo and behold, I see Steve approaching me and he says "How ya doing, Itsum?" and I just look at him and I say "WTF!!!". I knew right then that it was a mistake and I shouldn't have said "WTF!!!". I was shocked. The dude was enormous ..... he was like, at least, 300lbs and looked miserable and upset and I just couldn't get any words out of my mouth and before I could say anything he said - " Hey, good to see ya...I'll see ya around".
I just felt terrible for Steve.........so I just went into the Fox & Firkin and knocked back a cold one and I thought about how bad some of these diets are. You lose all that weight and then you put even more weight on and it just screws up your life. It's like a yo-yo...up and down or like someone who suffers from bi-polar depression...when he's up everything is cool and when he's down life is a bitch!
By the way, if anything like this happens to a female friend of yours, please take my advice and don't ever say "WTF" after she's been on a diet and then she puts on weight again. A lady is more sensitive to these weight issues than a man is and if you say "WTF" when you see her, she is likely to go home and commit sewerage (that's the term I use for committing suicide because when you commit suicide it's like the shit hitting the fan).
Women take these weight things very seriously...it's like a matter of life and death with them. So please be considerate!
Anyway, I'm not a nutritionist so I don't understand all these diets and how they work...but I sure think that they can be dangerous!!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Diabetes - what should I do?
The other day this guy comes to me for advice on diabetes (actually, that's a lie - I just made it up because I've got a food blog and I want to appear to be an expert. No one ever comes to an idiot for advice). Anyway, he tells me that he suffers from diabetes but he really likes stuff like Coke and candies and cake and, especially, marshmallows. So he asks me what he should do. I look at him in disbelief. I can even feel my eyes bulging while I'm looking at him. Listen, you schmuck, you can't eat that stuff ! You've got diabetes - you'll kill yourself. I explain to him that, if you've got diabetes, the blood doesn't flow properly through your veins to your digits and they have to be amputated (something like that - I think I saw it on the Simpsons or some other TV show).
You people out there with diabetes have to understand that you must cut out all sweet stuff from your diet. If you don't do that you'll be in deep shit. You'll need to get your toes amputated when the disease sets in - so, while you can, just stop eating anything that is remotely sweet!
You know, I really dig beautiful blonde chics with big tits. Unfortunately, I'm no oil painting and I'm not very smart, so I just target short ugly chics. I don't even bother with beautiful blondes.
If you've got diabetes you should follow the same strategy. You should just target food with no sugar like broccholli, potatoes, tomatoes, lettuce, celery, fish and meat. That should be enough for you. By the way, don't drink Coke and Sprite. Drink water - you're pretty safe with good ol' H2O.
You people out there with diabetes have to understand that you must cut out all sweet stuff from your diet. If you don't do that you'll be in deep shit. You'll need to get your toes amputated when the disease sets in - so, while you can, just stop eating anything that is remotely sweet!
You know, I really dig beautiful blonde chics with big tits. Unfortunately, I'm no oil painting and I'm not very smart, so I just target short ugly chics. I don't even bother with beautiful blondes.
If you've got diabetes you should follow the same strategy. You should just target food with no sugar like broccholli, potatoes, tomatoes, lettuce, celery, fish and meat. That should be enough for you. By the way, don't drink Coke and Sprite. Drink water - you're pretty safe with good ol' H2O.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Why are people fat in North America?
It sounds like a sophisticated question with all sorts of complicated answers...but, hell no, the answer is pretty simple.
We just eat too much food!!
The more stuff you shove down your throat, the fatter you will become.If you eat 10 Big Macs a day you will become fat. If you drink 10 milkshakes a day you will become fat. Like..this is not rocket science. People just don't get it! I even get it ...and I'm not even a professor or anything.
What I don't understand is why educated people don't get it. I mean, you've got all these really clever people that are fat...like really fat! I'm not sure if you've heard of this fat guy, Michael Moore. He's like a really smart dude and he makes all these amazing movies about bowling for Columbine and wars and capitalism and socialism and other sophisticated stuff. This guy's a friggin' genius...but he can't figure out that if you eat too much food you get fat!
Maybe, because if you're rich and you've got loads of money and you've got nothing to do all day, so you just go to Whole Foods and buy all these fancy organic foods.What do you do when you get home? Of course, eat the stuff....and get fat. I mean you don't want it to go to waste!
In Africa you don't have this problem. In Biafra, for example, you never saw a fat kid. They never had money so the kids didn't get fat. Granted there were pictures of kids with fat bellies, but that was due to malnutrition...so that doesn't count. Actually, in South Africa you'll see fat people because those guys have got money. They've got gold and diamonds there, so they've got lots of money.....but there's also a major AIDS problem there ...that's a whole different ball game!!
Getting back to smart people, I think that Harvard and Berkeley and all those elite Ivy League institutions should change the way they accept students. They should check the students grades, of course, but before that they should check their weight. If a potential student weighs like 300lbs then obviously he's not smart enough to be an Ivy Leaguer. I mean, if he's not smart enough to figure out that if he stuffs his face with food he'll get fat, then how the hell is he going to be smart enough to become a rocket scientist or a CEO. But, on the other hand, the Deans are smart guys and they don't care if the students are smart or fat...as long as they get $60,000 a year for tuition, they'll enroll them in the program.
We just eat too much food!!
The more stuff you shove down your throat, the fatter you will become.If you eat 10 Big Macs a day you will become fat. If you drink 10 milkshakes a day you will become fat. Like..this is not rocket science. People just don't get it! I even get it ...and I'm not even a professor or anything.
What I don't understand is why educated people don't get it. I mean, you've got all these really clever people that are fat...like really fat! I'm not sure if you've heard of this fat guy, Michael Moore. He's like a really smart dude and he makes all these amazing movies about bowling for Columbine and wars and capitalism and socialism and other sophisticated stuff. This guy's a friggin' genius...but he can't figure out that if you eat too much food you get fat!
Maybe, because if you're rich and you've got loads of money and you've got nothing to do all day, so you just go to Whole Foods and buy all these fancy organic foods.What do you do when you get home? Of course, eat the stuff....and get fat. I mean you don't want it to go to waste!
In Africa you don't have this problem. In Biafra, for example, you never saw a fat kid. They never had money so the kids didn't get fat. Granted there were pictures of kids with fat bellies, but that was due to malnutrition...so that doesn't count. Actually, in South Africa you'll see fat people because those guys have got money. They've got gold and diamonds there, so they've got lots of money.....but there's also a major AIDS problem there ...that's a whole different ball game!!
Getting back to smart people, I think that Harvard and Berkeley and all those elite Ivy League institutions should change the way they accept students. They should check the students grades, of course, but before that they should check their weight. If a potential student weighs like 300lbs then obviously he's not smart enough to be an Ivy Leaguer. I mean, if he's not smart enough to figure out that if he stuffs his face with food he'll get fat, then how the hell is he going to be smart enough to become a rocket scientist or a CEO. But, on the other hand, the Deans are smart guys and they don't care if the students are smart or fat...as long as they get $60,000 a year for tuition, they'll enroll them in the program.
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