OK, so I'm loitering down Main St. and I see this cool cat approaching me. He looks like Steve McGillivray...but it isn't Steve McGillivray. Anyway, I just ignore the dude but as he approaches me he says "Hey Itsum! How ya doing?". I just look at him and I'm dumbfounded. It is Steve and I can't believe what I'm seeing. The guy's lost like a ton of weight. He used to be this fat ass dude weighing 250 lbs and now he's not an ounce more than 180 lbs!! I'm at a loss for words and all I can say to him is "WTF!!".
He starts babbling off to me about how much weight he's lost (like I can't see!) and how he went from a 44 waist to a 36 and he threw out all his clothes and he's got a whole new wardrobe and all that type of stuff. The guys just brimming with confidence and he's telling me about all these hot chics he meets at the gym and how many Mercedes Benz's he's sold (he's, apparently, now the the #2 salesman for Mercedes).
I just feel great as I'm listening to all his stories and I can't stop smiling and I just think to myself..."man, here's a guy who turned his life around!" So we say goodbye and decide we'll go for a drink sometime and I carry on walking down Main St. (now I'm walking...I'm not loitering anymore...I've got this spring in my step) and I think that maybe I should also lose a pound or two and maybe I should start hitting the gym every now and again.
I didn't hear from him after that day but I hear all these rumors about how cool he is and how he went on this diet and lost weight and how he's pulling all these hot chics and shit.... and I'm digging this.
About a year later, I'm walking up Main St. and, lo and behold, I see Steve approaching me and he says "How ya doing, Itsum?" and I just look at him and I say "WTF!!!". I knew right then that it was a mistake and I shouldn't have said "WTF!!!". I was shocked. The dude was enormous ..... he was like, at least, 300lbs and looked miserable and upset and I just couldn't get any words out of my mouth and before I could say anything he said - " Hey, good to see ya...I'll see ya around".
I just felt terrible for Steve.........so I just went into the Fox & Firkin and knocked back a cold one and I thought about how bad some of these diets are. You lose all that weight and then you put even more weight on and it just screws up your life. It's like a yo-yo...up and down or like someone who suffers from bi-polar depression...when he's up everything is cool and when he's down life is a bitch!
By the way, if anything like this happens to a female friend of yours, please take my advice and don't ever say "WTF" after she's been on a diet and then she puts on weight again. A lady is more sensitive to these weight issues than a man is and if you say "WTF" when you see her, she is likely to go home and commit sewerage (that's the term I use for committing suicide because when you commit suicide it's like the shit hitting the fan).
Women take these weight things very seriously...it's like a matter of life and death with them. So please be considerate!
Anyway, I'm not a nutritionist so I don't understand all these diets and how they work...but I sure think that they can be dangerous!!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Diabetes - what should I do?
The other day this guy comes to me for advice on diabetes (actually, that's a lie - I just made it up because I've got a food blog and I want to appear to be an expert. No one ever comes to an idiot for advice). Anyway, he tells me that he suffers from diabetes but he really likes stuff like Coke and candies and cake and, especially, marshmallows. So he asks me what he should do. I look at him in disbelief. I can even feel my eyes bulging while I'm looking at him. Listen, you schmuck, you can't eat that stuff ! You've got diabetes - you'll kill yourself. I explain to him that, if you've got diabetes, the blood doesn't flow properly through your veins to your digits and they have to be amputated (something like that - I think I saw it on the Simpsons or some other TV show).
You people out there with diabetes have to understand that you must cut out all sweet stuff from your diet. If you don't do that you'll be in deep shit. You'll need to get your toes amputated when the disease sets in - so, while you can, just stop eating anything that is remotely sweet!
You know, I really dig beautiful blonde chics with big tits. Unfortunately, I'm no oil painting and I'm not very smart, so I just target short ugly chics. I don't even bother with beautiful blondes.
If you've got diabetes you should follow the same strategy. You should just target food with no sugar like broccholli, potatoes, tomatoes, lettuce, celery, fish and meat. That should be enough for you. By the way, don't drink Coke and Sprite. Drink water - you're pretty safe with good ol' H2O.
You people out there with diabetes have to understand that you must cut out all sweet stuff from your diet. If you don't do that you'll be in deep shit. You'll need to get your toes amputated when the disease sets in - so, while you can, just stop eating anything that is remotely sweet!
You know, I really dig beautiful blonde chics with big tits. Unfortunately, I'm no oil painting and I'm not very smart, so I just target short ugly chics. I don't even bother with beautiful blondes.
If you've got diabetes you should follow the same strategy. You should just target food with no sugar like broccholli, potatoes, tomatoes, lettuce, celery, fish and meat. That should be enough for you. By the way, don't drink Coke and Sprite. Drink water - you're pretty safe with good ol' H2O.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Why are people fat in North America?
It sounds like a sophisticated question with all sorts of complicated answers...but, hell no, the answer is pretty simple.
We just eat too much food!!
The more stuff you shove down your throat, the fatter you will become.If you eat 10 Big Macs a day you will become fat. If you drink 10 milkshakes a day you will become fat. Like..this is not rocket science. People just don't get it! I even get it ...and I'm not even a professor or anything.
What I don't understand is why educated people don't get it. I mean, you've got all these really clever people that are fat...like really fat! I'm not sure if you've heard of this fat guy, Michael Moore. He's like a really smart dude and he makes all these amazing movies about bowling for Columbine and wars and capitalism and socialism and other sophisticated stuff. This guy's a friggin' genius...but he can't figure out that if you eat too much food you get fat!
Maybe, because if you're rich and you've got loads of money and you've got nothing to do all day, so you just go to Whole Foods and buy all these fancy organic foods.What do you do when you get home? Of course, eat the stuff....and get fat. I mean you don't want it to go to waste!
In Africa you don't have this problem. In Biafra, for example, you never saw a fat kid. They never had money so the kids didn't get fat. Granted there were pictures of kids with fat bellies, but that was due to malnutrition...so that doesn't count. Actually, in South Africa you'll see fat people because those guys have got money. They've got gold and diamonds there, so they've got lots of money.....but there's also a major AIDS problem there ...that's a whole different ball game!!
Getting back to smart people, I think that Harvard and Berkeley and all those elite Ivy League institutions should change the way they accept students. They should check the students grades, of course, but before that they should check their weight. If a potential student weighs like 300lbs then obviously he's not smart enough to be an Ivy Leaguer. I mean, if he's not smart enough to figure out that if he stuffs his face with food he'll get fat, then how the hell is he going to be smart enough to become a rocket scientist or a CEO. But, on the other hand, the Deans are smart guys and they don't care if the students are smart or fat...as long as they get $60,000 a year for tuition, they'll enroll them in the program.
We just eat too much food!!
The more stuff you shove down your throat, the fatter you will become.If you eat 10 Big Macs a day you will become fat. If you drink 10 milkshakes a day you will become fat. Like..this is not rocket science. People just don't get it! I even get it ...and I'm not even a professor or anything.
What I don't understand is why educated people don't get it. I mean, you've got all these really clever people that are fat...like really fat! I'm not sure if you've heard of this fat guy, Michael Moore. He's like a really smart dude and he makes all these amazing movies about bowling for Columbine and wars and capitalism and socialism and other sophisticated stuff. This guy's a friggin' genius...but he can't figure out that if you eat too much food you get fat!
Maybe, because if you're rich and you've got loads of money and you've got nothing to do all day, so you just go to Whole Foods and buy all these fancy organic foods.What do you do when you get home? Of course, eat the stuff....and get fat. I mean you don't want it to go to waste!
In Africa you don't have this problem. In Biafra, for example, you never saw a fat kid. They never had money so the kids didn't get fat. Granted there were pictures of kids with fat bellies, but that was due to malnutrition...so that doesn't count. Actually, in South Africa you'll see fat people because those guys have got money. They've got gold and diamonds there, so they've got lots of money.....but there's also a major AIDS problem there ...that's a whole different ball game!!
Getting back to smart people, I think that Harvard and Berkeley and all those elite Ivy League institutions should change the way they accept students. They should check the students grades, of course, but before that they should check their weight. If a potential student weighs like 300lbs then obviously he's not smart enough to be an Ivy Leaguer. I mean, if he's not smart enough to figure out that if he stuffs his face with food he'll get fat, then how the hell is he going to be smart enough to become a rocket scientist or a CEO. But, on the other hand, the Deans are smart guys and they don't care if the students are smart or fat...as long as they get $60,000 a year for tuition, they'll enroll them in the program.
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